


dropping glasses (just to hear them break)

by starfleetbanana



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Psychosis, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 15:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8107579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starfleetbanana/pseuds/starfleetbanana
Summary: "He wasn’t like them. He told himself Neil wasn’t like them, they were safe, but why did his brain see everything as a threat? Even the people he loved were potential threats. He’d promised protection and protection for him was such a delicate concept he hoped his knives would make things clearer before he had to hurt somebody. It was all he had".Andrew has a psychotic episode and Neil tries to help.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I just really like exploring Andrew's mental health. I've always thought his psychosis is more internal (there's a type of psychosis where delusions are internal, don't know exactly how to explain), though I'm probably coping with my own mental illness. Anyway, I love this boy and I hate the fact people insist he's abusive because having violent intrusive thoughts doesn't make you inherently abusive and it's scary and sad people asume that. Andrew's capable of feeling even if he doesn't want to and his psychosis doesn't make his feelings worthless just because something in his brain makes him think violent stuff.
> 
> (find me @ minycrdjcsten on Tumblr!)

People couldn’t say Andrew was understandable in any way. His behaviour was inconsistent and he didn’t make sense no matter how hard they tried. It wasn’t Andrew’s problem.

It was Andrew’s problem when Neil waited for him to go to bed with a tired yet expectant look, though. He struggled for a minute. He’d had a bad day, he hadn’t gone to class and hadn’t said a word to anybody all day long. He’d texted Bee expecting he’d find something helpful in her words, but he couldn’t.

Neil’s eyes searching for him grounded him and he made sure his uncertainty was hidden behind twenty layers of boredom. Sometimes how his brain worked was a mystery. He enjoyed how threatened people felt around him, and his lows didn’t happen that often anymore. He was nothing, he wanted nothing and that worked for him.

He struggled hard not to hurt his loved ones even when he got strong urges to choke Nicky, he breathed in and out to swallow the words that came up because of his low empathy. He took it all out on himself and that kept everything at bay, most of the time, at least.

 _He wasn’t like them_. He told himself Neil wasn’t like them, they were safe, but why did his brain see everything as a threat? Even the people he loved were potential threats. He’d promised protection and protection for him was such a delicate concept he hoped his knives would make things clearer before he had to hurt somebody. It was all he had.

Neil didn’t get it either, but he understood Andrew worked differently and he let him be. Although the only urge he’d felt in life was to run for his life, he imagined how hard it was for Andrew to stop himself from hurting the people around him because he _had_ to. That was the point, he had to let them know no one could beat him and he wouldn’t care to spill some blood. He’d killed Tilda because the urge wouldn’t go away until Aaron was safe.

Now Riko was dead Neil knew Andrew needed a way out and sparring was never gonna be enough for him when he was trying to stay sober. Everyone believed Neil was somehow an outlet for his rage but Neil was the opposite of anger for Andrew. He was nothing, just like he needed.

He padded toward the bed after changing into his pyjamas. He tucked his armbands and knives under Neil’s pillow because if he tucked them under his own and something happened he was most likely going to stab Neil before he remembered where he was.

He was quiet and seemed calm as he examined Neil’s tired face with a furrowed brow, an expression that seemed wrong with how his muscles were tensing.

“Yes or no?” Neil asked quietly, knowing Andrew was too far out to try and reach for him, but he still tried.

Andrew, feeling unable to say a word without venom, simply nodded, half lidded eyes fixed on Neil’s lips. They went to his right cheek as Neil shifted only a bit closer. His hand lingered on his jaw for a few seconds afterward before turning off the lights.

Neil fell asleep way too soon while Andrew tried his hardest to stay still. It was weird to see Neil getting a decent amount of sleep. He closed his eyes to try and fall asleep until he heard movement in the other room.

His body tensed and he automatically searched for his armbands. He cursed under his breath. It was probably Kevin doing some stupid Exy-related shit he’d regret in the morning.

Something inside of him exploded despite the explanation he’d given himself. It felt like fear, _so cold._ He’d forgotten how sharp it felt against his heart. He was shaking when anger came next, a violence so familiar that pinned him down to his body after feeling like he was gonna fade away in a matter of seconds.

“Fuck” He whispered clenching his fists and trying to make his body relax. Something was wrong in his head, he knew, and moments like these made him remember he didn’t exactly deal with his mental illness as much as people liked to believe. He was used to it, he’d seen the positive side of it, but the ugly came and he couldn’t make it go away. He didn’t know how to cope with it.

He was glad Neil didn’t toss or turn when he was asleep and he kept silent, knowing it’d have to go away eventually. His exaggerated and violent reactions would never disappear. It was all that was left of his past in him. His drug induced mania was long gone and though he knew if he seriously injured anyone he’d be most likely seen as a criminal because of his record, he knew just like the mania the thoughts didn’t belong to him. It wasn’t _him_ who wanted to hurt other people, who wanted to hurt him, but it was buried deep within him.

“Shut up, I don’t want to” He whispered muffling the words against the pillow.

His creativity baffled him somehow, and he cursed his memory for remembering the smell of blood and how sharp a blade felt against his skin. He had to make it shut up and violence was the only thing that did the trick.

It was hard to explain since the noises came from outside, but the voices didn’t. They filled his otherwise quiet head with blood, burning skin and the sharp pain that brought him back whether it was his or somebody else’s.

Neil stirred next to him, woken by his quiet conversation and stayed still when he felt Andrew’s shaking form against his own body. Without turning around, he whispered, “Do you want me to get out?”

Andrew shivered harder at the sound of his voice, realising how reality was supposed to sound like. He hissed when Neil sat on the mattress, knowing he’d reach for the knives without meaning to. Neil was quick to react and turned to get a look on Andrew’s face.

His muscles spasmed under Neil’s scrutiny. The thoughts got louder and he needed something to drown them quickly. The silence of the night didn’t help.

“I need to” Andrew said, hiding his face in the crook of his arm. He was making himself even more tinier as the time passed. All the shouting in his head consuming him from within. He couldn’t breathe but he couldn’t react to anything, really.

He wasn’t like Neil, who felt grounded and real with someone else’s help, because what hurt him wasn’t outside. Every vivid image of a knife drawing blood came back again and he shut his eyes waiting for them to disappear. They didn’t.

He couldn’t forget how corpses looked, how Neil’s bruised and broken figure had made something like hunger curl inside of him. He didn’t want it, he didn’t want any of it threatening Neil’s safety, he didn’t need to turn into one of them.

Andrew pressed his shaking hands to his stomach hoping that’d make the urge to hurt go away.

Neil didn’t want to see it and Andrew didn’t care. It was too much, too loud, too real to care.

“I don’t want to” He repeated louder this time, rage pushing the words out of him through gritted teeth.

“You don’t need to” Neil said in a tiny voice, still uncertain of what to do. He knew if he stayed there Andrew could hurt him blinded by the voices in his head. It broke him because Andrew’d fought with tooth and nail against Drake at the beginning but it hadn’t been hard enough, he just hoped now his willpower was stronger than the undeniably strong need to do something to hurt himself.

“You don’t understand, I have to” Neil knew he had to stay there until the battle in his head got so aggressive Andrew’d shut down and disconnect. He’d stay there with him even if he feared Andrew would disappear on him.

Andrew couldn’t stop his moans -his chest hurt, he was fighting his body to stay still-, knowing Neil could hear him and see him even when the lights were off. He opened his eyes to look around him so he’d find something, _anything,_ that’d hurt enough to make the voices shut up. He felt so unlike himself, whatever that meant, when he couldn’t fight back.

“Just let me help” Neil asked in a pleading voice, still not knowing where his limits were in such a situation. Andrew’s struggles were usually so silent it scared him to imagine all the blood spilled in the images of his own head.

Neil wanted to be there for him because he knew Andrew wasn’t capable of actually hurting him on purpose. His psychosis could make him dangerous, but Neil was so real it’d to give him some sort of grip on his senses.

“Get out, let me do it” Andrew answered after his body relaxed. His dead eyes were carving a hole on Neil’s scarred chest.

“I told you I wouldn’t let you let me be like them” Neil snapped. Andrew shrugged, all dead eyes and carelessness. It made him want to stay there even more even with Nathan’s rage burning in his chest.  

“You can’t stop it. I need to” He said and sat on the bed facing Neil. He finally looked into his eyes. Andrew couldn’t find words that weren’t related to blood and murder to refer to Neil, and he made himself stop before continuing. “You don’t understand”.

“Andrew, it’s not you. You don’t need it” Andrew growled in response. “Call Bee” Neil said offering his phone but Andrew didn’t react to Neil’s movement.

“Get out” Andrew repeated, and before Neil could react he reached for his knives and threw them toward the door. Neil took it as a sign to take the knives with him and he closed the door behind him.

The next time he opened the door to their room Andrew was smoking next to the window. The glass was broken but his hand looked just fine. He’d elbowed it until it’d shattered.

Andrew didn’t look up from his cigarette when Neil took it and whispered, “Hey”.

“Hey” He answered staring into his eyes. He felt nothing, he wanted nothing, and Neil Josten was nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, low key shouting at the void for people to stop saying Andrew's abusive. As a mentally ill person I hate that we're asumed to be inherently abusive and manipulative and when Andrew does that, honestly it's not because he wants to 24/7, that's the way he thinks and he can't choose what he does all the time. Also Andrew trying so fucking hard to stop from hruting people/himself comes from personal experience so please respect that if you don't think that how his psychosis works. 
> 
> Anyway, lots to say about this. Thanks for Reading and for your support beforehand!


End file.
